2 posts tagged “hope”

We tried to have a baby for a very long time. About 7 years. There was nothing wrong we were told, just hadn't happened, It has a term: Unexplained Infertility. I can tell you that it is a crappy diagnosis. VERY. No reason, you just can't have it.

And in all that time, I cried only on Mother's Day. Locked myself in the bathroom and cried feeling sorry for myself. Really, that was all it was: Self pity. I wanted it and I couldn't have it.

But in all that time, I never bought a home pregnancy test, I only charted for a little while, I just lived every cycle like I hoped I was pregnant. It was long and it was lonely. I told no one. I shared nothing. I just hoped and prayed and offered my soul. But I was denied. Even my soul wasn't enough to buy Glenn and I a child.

And I never got jealous. I hear these women talk about having babies and how hard it is for them. I get that. Been there, have the badge. But when they say:' I can't believe that <insert name of newly pregnant woman here> is pregnant! I can't be around pregnant women, or babies.' THAT, I don't get. How can you, who has struggled to get pregnant, begrudge someone else their pregnancy? Sorry, I just don't get it. I KNOW they feel empty, and they feel useless. I KNOW they feel despair and sometimes anger. But to not be able to set that aside and be genuinely happy that someone ELSE doesn't have to feel all those miserable things? But maybe she did. Maybe it was her 6th pregnancy and first one to carry to term, or maybe she was violated and the baby was forced onto her. You never know. If I could tell them ONE thing without being attacked for not understanding it would be: Some day it will be you, and some other woman who has tried for too long will look at you and be jealous. And YOU will not pay attention to it, you will be so thrilled it is your turn that HER misery will not be apparent. Do not look at other women with jealousy, this will eat at you and you will not want to go out, or visit your new nephew, look at them with hope. Look at me with hope. I have NO idea why I have two children now. Really, no reason, except sex at the right time, in the right position. And it may never happen again. But I will not be so self-absorbed as to look at another pregnant woman with disdain because she has what I want. I will be happy for her. I will be happy to see that infant and I will feel like I am complete.

How can any woman deny her happiness?

Ok, so I am late. Been...busy/depressed/enjoying somethings and deciding which drug I should start ingesting. But, I do this for Bill so here goes:

Summarize your life in a six word memoir, with optional photo illustration. Then tag six others.

If I were to seriously do this I would pick these six:

Woman, love, hope, heal, empathy, give

No sentence structure. Sorry.

Now let me 'splain.

Woman: All those wonderful and terrible things that go along with it. Wife, daughter, friend, Mother. Strength to endure and compassion to nurture.

Love: Unconditionally the best movtivator. Love rules all and cures all woes. Some may argue more has been done in the name of religion. But isn't that another type of love? Love of God? Moving on.

Hope: I have dared to hope for myself and for others. It has taught me perseverance and to not be complacent with it. To work to achieve that which you hope for the most. And, I have found that all I have hope for has become mine.

Heal: Accept the tragedies and continue to live your life with grace and dignity. Do not let despair consume you, heal the emotional wounds and the physical scars will bear witness to your triumph.

Empathy: Remember the emotions of others. Do your best to not cause them harm. Feel how it would feel to be there, at that time, and support those who need it. Do not expect it in return. It will build you into a fine human being.

Give: Replace everything you think you need to make you happy with the things that make others happy. It will return to you. Give to receive. It will show the character of a man, in his ability to be selfless. And by He I mean humankind. All men and women.

I am not naive, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that this world is worthy of the lives I give to it. My children will have an unknown impact on an unknown number of men and women. I must prepare them for that. I must give them the tools to live worthy of the legacy of their forefathers.

And to keep off the grass.